“HOOCHIE coochie!” For a moment, I thought my female friend was making baby sounds and getting cute on me. “It’s the latest facial treatment everyone’s talking about!” she explains. Yeah right. Now she thinks I’m a baby and supposed to believe her half-baked coochie story.

Next thing I know, I got a call from a contact at Spa Esprit who told me about, yes, the hoochie coochie. Apparently, it’s a new facial treatment done down under in the nether regions and many celebrities have tried and love it to death. She dared me to try but I declined. I was still sceptical. Besides, they are only offering it to women at the moment.

I mean, yes, you put all sorts of stuff on your face and body — from moisturiser, shea butter and aromatherapy oils to cleansing mud, hot stones and even needles. But a facial treatment down under with butter or whatever that’s so cleansing on uhm, the manhood and region? It sounds very greasy, if you ask me.

Apparently, a facial treatment down under after waxing will help to remove pores, cleanse and exfoliate dry or chapped skin. It ensures a glowing, smooth skin. But do we really need it? So what if it’s smooth and all pretty? Who will know? Who can see? I think if you’re the kind who constantly touch your nether regions, then you might enjoy the smoothness of your skin there. But I think you might need to see a doctor too, you pervert.

I’m a sucker for trying out new things but a facial treatment down under? I have done a Boyzillian wax down under before and I didn’t even mind the pain. I was only just embarrassed that someone has to be exposed to my manhood while removing hair with hot wax. Really embarrassed. So I can imagine during a facial treatment down under, it would be much worse. The therapist, or poor sod, has to rub cream and clean the skin there and would be staring at you know what all the time. Surely it can’t be a pretty sight.

Times have changed. There are always more funky treatments coming up. No man would dare think of waxing his down under years ago but everyone’s feeling hairless now. And presently, we have a facial treatment down under to explore. Is it necessary? Or are we simply over indulging ourselves? Do our nether regions really need some pampering?

Honestly, I am tempted for some hoochie choochie time. I just have to shake the baby image off first.

For those of you daring enough to do it, Spa Esprit has four variants of the Hoochie Coochie treatment.

Hoochie Coochie Calm Me Down takes 20 minutes and costs $35. It is an after-treatment to a Brazilian wax, to get rid of red blotches. A remedy mask is applied, preventing folliculitis. Then a water-based gel moisturizer adds a dewy final touch to your skin, balancing it out.

Hoochie Coochie Pore Cleanout Facial takes 35 mins and costs $60. It get rids of acne down there. “This treatment comes with a dual mask system which extracts and removes ingrowns painlessly,” says the spa.

Hoochie Coochie Snow White lasts 35 mins and costs $70. It whitens that fold of skin between your legs and groin so you can wear your teeny- tiny undies with flair! Pigmentation will be demolished with this treatment. A double mask amped with Titanium Dioxide is applied to the sensitized area soothing it immediately. With the addition of elastin, the skin then tightens and firms. Finally an Instant Recovery Mask is layered on and it has pure aloe vera extracts in it to heal and invigorate. Finally, the licorice in it is the most active ingredient, which lightens and evens out the melanin in the darkened area.

Hoochie Coochie All The Way Facial lasts 45 mins and costs $95. It is a combination of the first three services written above.

The Hoochie Coochie treatments are available at Spa Esprit Strip in Raffles City, Unit B1-20, telephone number 6837 0070.