'Oh hello John, nice weather we're having, no?'

If only I could eliminate all my clubbing woes

My ideal club to party at would spin everything from (an eclectic mix of everything from Paul Van Dyk to the retro Madonna to vintage rock!), and also have a ladies-only room so that girls can party to their hearts content without getting preyed upon by leery desperados or worry about letting loose and risk looking wild in front of hunks.

Having come across more than my fair share of unpleasant encounters while clubbing in Singapore, I’d enforce these house rules if I were to book a night at Zouk in celebration of my fabulousness.

1. No High Heels
I’ll be shooting myself in the foot by imposing this because I'm sometimes guilty of wearing heels to
night clubs in Singapore, only to make my way home limping and cursing my choice of footwear.

Apart from the self-inflicted high heel syndrome, please spare a thought for your fellow party people with vulnerable and exposed toes. Female clubbers prefer wearing comfy open-toed flats and believe me, the moment heel-meets-flesh, your heart skips a beat for a moment before you bend over clutching your feet breathlessly in pain. Stilettos are the meanest. I've had the misfortune of getting stepped on just below my small toe and it ruptured one of my veins, causing a bruise the size of Australia.

2. No fashion Road kills
Sports shoes are definite eyesores. I know someone who enjoys wearing bread loaf sized running shoes
with mini skirts, and I can assure you that it’s not pretty especially when you’re in one of the best clubs in Singapore.

Men with more than two buttons undone on their shirts will be denied entry immediately, and permanently banned if they have chest hair.

Girls who enjoy looking like a Singapore nightclub waitresses (The ubiquitous bandeau tube top and knee length boots ensemble. Oh, the horror!), or take the meaning of kitsch to a whole new level will also be politely declined. I like kitsch, but darling, bright orange floral tops matched with tattered baby blue gauchos?

3. No SPGs (Sarong Party Girls)
I try to avoid stereotyping, but if you have long rebonded hair, wear skimpy black outfits, carry a fake Louis Vuitton clutch, and potter around Singapore night clubs in clunky platform shoes then chances are, you're an SPG out to nab an ang moh. I’m sure party goers at my club won’t tolerate SPGs drooling and dry humping every white-skinned dude trying to have a good time as well.

4. Bye, Fake Accents
All patrons of local nightclubs will have to undergo a short speech test and will be required to say “Oh hello John, nice weather we're having, no?" If I feel that you're trying too hard (so much so that the veins pop out in your forehead and neck from the sheer strain) and that you remind me of local newscasters, then you're out.

5. No Suspicious Looking Men
I can tell from your unwavering lifeless stare and tongue constantly hanging on your lower lip that there is only one thing on your agenda. You will also probably have a horrid comb over and wear dodgy leather shoes.

6. Party Goers who act drunk after one drink
I personally don’t see the appeal in girls who fake antics of a drunk at Singapore nightclubs. Girls who stumble intentionally across the dance floor trampling and groping at anyone at hand’s reach would be shown to the door as well. If you’re also thinking of spouting incoherent sentences to random clubbers and acting ‘high’, please step out.

With all the rules imposed, all I need is a couple of girlfriends and some cosmopolitans to make a perfect night of clubbing in Singapore.